I’m a porn star and director. It’s my job to turn people on — and believe it or not, I take this job seriously. But even though I have access to any number of beautiful people, the fact is that even the highest-quality porn production doesn’t have half the budget of a mainstream film set. Which is why it’s so frustrating for me to turn on the TV and see a low-quality sex scene in a movie.
The Shape of Water (2017)
I really tried to get into this Oscar-winning movie about the relationship between a beautiful mute woman named Elisa (Sally Hawkins) and a, uh, weird amphibian fish thing (Doug Jones). But I’m sorry — I am not aroused by this fish-man thing. Clearly, Elisa and the fish had some sort of intense mental connection, but I think this relationship should have remained platonic. Elisa, there are plenty of other fish in the sea (or in your perfectly sealed bathroom).
I might get bashed for this, but I’m not a fan of the spanking scene between aloof attorney James Spader and his meek secretary Maggie Gyllenhaal in this 2002 cult film. There’s a certain finesse that goes into the proper BDSM thwack, and Spader’s form was stiff, like he was hammering a nail into a wall. I prefer the pornofied version of the slutty secretary, who wears too-tight shirts and non-functional glasses and keeps leaning over her boss’s desk for no reason.
Right now, America is incredibly divided on many different issues. But, it’s nice to know that we can all be united in the opinion that Showgirls was a very bad movie. The lap dance scene with Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan is embarrassing, and the infamous pool sex scene is even worse: when she starts flopping around like she’s possessed by some kind of swimming pool-borne demon, it’s impossible not to laugh. The only possible explanation for this atrocity is that Berkley had never had an orgasm before, so she had no idea how to reenact one. (I blame AC Slater.)
Body of Evidence (1993)
It pains me to say that a sex scene involving a young Madonna and candle-wax (two things I love) is just so uncomfortably bad — but alas, it is. Willem Dafoe makes some faces that are flat-out gross, and there’s nothing erotic about her actually licking the candle-wax off his body. Sorry, Madonna — you can justify my love, but I cannot justify this sex scene.
Fifty Shades Freed (2018)
In this scene, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) pours her midnight snack of Ben and Jerry’s vanilla ice cream all over Christian’s (Jamie Dornan) torso. Christian then puts ice cream on her legs and licks it up right before they have sex. It’s supposed to symbolize them partaking in an evening of “vanilla” sex, but it’s actually a hell of a lot weirder than any actual BDSM sex act I’ve ever witnessed. And who eats Ben and Jerry’s plain vanilla ice cream when there’s Cinamon Swirl and Chunky Monkey available in the same freezer?
The Room (2003)
No article about “worst on-screen sex scenes” is complete without paying homage to this iconic scene in The Room, in which Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) appears to copulate with his “future wife” Lisa’s (Juliette Danielle) belly-button. Pro tip: turn on “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails and sync it up with this scene. It’ll reach a whole new level of funny. You’re welcome.
What Women Want (2000)
What’s worse than watching Mel Gibson have sex? I’ll tell you: it’s this scene from What Women Want, where he tries to have sex with Marisa Tomei, fails to get an erection, then returns from the bathroom to have mind-blowing sex with her after having a pow-wow with his penis. Gross.
Gigli had everything: Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, Ben Affleck, J-Lo, and the dude who played Napoleon from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. What could have possibly gone wrong? Everything, I suppose, as evidenced by this famously bad sex scene featuring Affleck as a sexist male mobster with a soft side and J-Lo as the female mobster who needs to make sure he gets the job done.
If you don’t want to click, we’ll just tell you this: after they have sex, J-Lo goes to eat some turkey. Had the movie shown her eating a giant turkey leg at Medieval Times, that would have been much sexier than anything in this movie.
I guess James Cameron had to invent a way for a new species to have sex in a way that parents would be able to easily explain to children. His solution: Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington’s ponytail tentacle thingies connect and they make out. Ooh la la?
Listen, there’s a lot of halfway decent tentacle porn out there (look it up!), but this is not it.
Bad Teacher (2011)
For many teens, dry-humping is a rite of passage. But rarely have I seen two adults dry-humping doggy-style, as Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake do in this raunchy comedy. This scene is intended to be funny, and it looks utterly ridiculous, so job well done, I guess? Bad Teacher = bad sex scene.
Sausage Party (2016)
Before this animated movie, no one had ever shown all foods, regardless of their shape, size, or expiration date, getting it on — and honestly, perhaps that was for the best. As someone who holds a camera 3 inches away from an anus on a semi-regular basis, I never thought I would say this about anything in a movie ever, but this sex scene is actually pretty inappropriate. It’s not gluten-free, it’s not paleo, it’s not kosher, and it’s certainly not sexy.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2 (2012)
As someone who has shot my fair share of vampire sex, I prefer to see bloodsuckers boning in a fit of erotic carnal lust, with lots of fangs and tons of blood. But this milquetoast sex scene between Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) is just boring and lame. Why do you guys have to tear off perfectly good articles of clothing just to have extremely short and tidy sex? This is some emo vanilla nonsense.
300: Rise of an Empire (2014)
Everything about this scene is hot — except for, well, the actual sex. It features two gorgeous people (Eva Green and Sullivan Stapleton) draped in leather clothing, having passionate hate sex before they go to war. On paper, this sounds awesome. But this scene just sucks. They’re slamming each other up against a metal bolted wall, which looks physically painful, and they both keep making these horrible wincing faces. What a colossal disappointment. The porn world expects more from you, Hollywood.