Sit in Silence
Sit in silence and count backward from 300. That’s a 5-minute chunk of life gone to the gods, buddy. Do you miss it? Good. Now you see that killing time is a subtle form of suicide.
Get Your Car Washed
Hey, see that car wash? Pull in. A shower and shave for your ride polishes the brass on your balls.
Grab Your Girl
Grab your girl and do whatever playful thing it is you do to brighten her day. A quick tango. A well-timed foot rub. A little flailing in the foyer. Attack now!
Take Shorter Lunch Breaks
Unless you’re lunching with the boss, no workday meal needs to last more than 5 minutes. Trail mix, yogurt, some fresh fruit at your desk. Now you’ve saved time to exercise and get home at a reasonable hour.
Coffee-Free Break #1
Coffee-Free Break #1: Put your favorite song on headphones. Loud. Some “Sympathy for the Devil,” perhaps? Feel better? Good, now get back to work.
Tell Kids Stories
Tell the younglings an anytime, anyplace story. Start with “Once upon a time, a man rode a horse into a forest.”
Make the rest up as you go. Marvel at how quickly they shut up.
Shred Old Bank Statements
Shred some old bank statements. Feels good, right? Very Enron-after-dark.
Open a Savings Account
Go to an online bank site like ingdirect.com and open a savings account that will automatically deduct 5 percent of your net pay from your checking account every payday. Now, here’s the important part: Forget the account exists.
Return a Dreaded Phone Call
Return that one call you don’t want to return. Cut it off after 5; you now officially have better things to do.
Put Up a New Light Fixture
Put up a new light fixture. You’ll transform the room’s dynamic. And it impresses women because any man who can perform basic electrical work is a man without fear.
Write a Thank-You Note
You owe somebody, somewhere, a thank-you note.
Stretch Your Hamstrings
Stretch your hamstrings. Makes every muscle feel better, doesn’t it?
Self-Abuse Never Hurts
Self-abuse never hurts.
Coffee-Free Break #2
Coffee-Free Break #2: Three sets of 20 pushups. You don’t even have to loosen your tie.
Play a Traffic Game
Great game when you’re stuck in traffic: “What’s That Guy Got That I Haven’t?” Whatever it is, note your attitude toward that item or trait. You now have a good idea what’s motivating you these days.
Coffee-Free Break #3
Coffee-Free Break #3: Keep a funny book on hand. Some George Carlin, some David Sedaris, some old Calvin and Hobbes. Make five pages your 3 p.m. ritual.
Get Her Off Before Work
She won’t mind when the alarm clock goes off 5 minutes early tomorrow morning if she goes off soon after it.
While you’re in line at the store, zone out on what’s bothering you most about your life. Give yourself from now until the checkout cutie scans your first item to decide how you will solve this problem. See, you already know what the hell needs to be done. You’re just not doing it yet.