Sex sells. Tech developers know this. That’s why your phone has access to thousands of sex-related apps designed to help you track down willing partners, perform your best, or—in some cases—escape before you’ve made a mistake. Here are eight of the craziest.
Bump Before You Hump
Worried the cute girl you met at the bar is your cousin? Of course not. But in Iceland—a nation of just 320,000 closely related souls—the risk of accidentally sleeping with a relative is real. To prevent unintended incest, Icelandic developers came up with Islendinga-App, which allows you to bump phones with your new friend to find out if the two of you are family.
Your Penthouse or Mine?
Do you earn more than $200,000 a year? Is it a deal breaker for you if a girl prefers Audi to BMW? Then Luxy is the app for you. After you verify your income via a photo of your last tax return, the app asks you to select your five favorite luxury brands. From there, it’s basically Tinder. For superficial a-holes. Who probably lie about their income by photoshopping their tax returns.
Cut the Chit Chat
Its creators call it an “affirmative consent” app. But Good2Go is basically the most awkward, gutless way you could proposition another human being for sex. If you want to sleep with someone, you launch the app and hand her your phone. She’s given three response choices: “No, Thanks,” “Yes but . . . we need to talk;” or, “I’m Good2Go.” The craziest part: If she says yes to sex, the app asks her if she’s drunk. If she says she’s “pretty wasted,” it tells her she “cannot consent.” (To no one’s surprise, this app shut down after just a month. But its makers are “hard at work on Version 2.0”!)
Slip of the Tongue
Launch LickThis and you’ll have access to different tongue exercises that—according to the product’s developers—will help boost your oral sex skills. To perform the exercises, you lick your phone. Seriously.
Put a Sock on It
Clorox’s Sock-It app allows you to digitally “put a sock on your doorknob.” If one of your housemates approaches, he’ll get a text telling him you’re not to be disturbed—of course, that’s exactly what this app begs your roomies to do.
Dress up Your Junk
Sadly, Dickorate app is now defunct. But the dearly departed app allowed men to add a little flare to their boring dick pics. Ever wondered what your penis would look like wearing a cowboy hat, or an Elvis pompadour? Neither have we. But Dickorate would have given you (and some lucky recipients) the opportunity find out.
Join the Mile-High Club
Do airplanes make you horny? Fire up Wingman, and the app will help you connect with other randy travelers at your terminal or at 30,000 feet. While the app hasn’t officially taken off, it’s expected to launch later this year.
Um, Try Texting
Want to ask a girl out, but you’re too nervous to actually talk with her on the phone? Slydial allows you to place a call that goes directly to her voicemail. You could also just text her. Your call. (On the other hand, using this to avoid talking with clingy friends or annoying relatives is kind of genius.)